Musings of a StarCrossed Mind
by Phayte
Summary: When given time, what do they think of?
1. Lina

Musings of a Star-Crossed Mind  
  
**Disclaimer** don't own slayers or anything associated w/it, if I did, I wouldn't very well be writing fanfiction, but EPISODES of it ne?**  
  
~~Lina~~  
  
Do you understand what exactly you have done for me? Do you even know how I've changed sincee you came to me? In your naive mind, nothing changes, has an effect on anything else. But the truth is, it does, you've had an incredible impact on me. I'm strong, I'm the strongest, but...you see past my powers, all that cover to the person I am. Somehow, you know I'm insecure, you joke, pick fun, but I can see it in your eyes that you mean none of it. It's all just payback for the thing I do to you, that's why you never do it when I'm sad. And even then, you see, I've never let anyone know how weak I was inside, so alone. But then you came, you saw it, you morned for me and brought a light back into my life. There's a humor in it now, not shallow like it used to be. Now, I don't take as much offense in what people think of me, because you accept me for me. Although, it IS rather rude of them to degrade me so, just because of some difficulties...but, you, it's different. I don't feel worthy of you when you say those things, it hurts, but still, I know you're only picking. But, I'll pass it off, no one needs to know I have insecurities, no one needs to know the way I feel.  
  
You stand next to me, your beautiful hair waving in the breeze, how I want to run my hands through it, to simply know that I'm the only one who'll be able touch it. It may sound like I have the needs of a wild animal, but something calls inside me, it tells me that no one should be allowed to touch you, even look at you except me. I wonder, do you feel that way about me? My hopes excel everytime I talk to someone, you look at me with a clueless gaze, but something in it is posessive. Everytime that preist looks at me twice, you look as if you are ready to draw your sword and begin a duel right then and there. It makes my heart flutter and a slight voice tells me I hope you do. To have the experience of seeing someone fight for me, ME! Now one's ever done that, but alas, you sit, probably afraid that I would hurt you. Oh how I long for those days to be over, where we're not scared of eachother, where we can touch eachother freely and not be afraid.  
  
A sideways glance into your eyes as we stand here, looking out upon a montaneous landscape, looks far off, telling me you are thinking. If I were sarcastic, I'd be surprised, but I"m not, I know you think, you just don't pay attention to what you don't need to. It makes me laugh that you don't care about anything that has nothing to do with you. How arrogant! But yet, you do care about all that has to do with your friends. In fact, I remember many times that you have cared for me, carrying me when I was ill, I hated that. It made it look as if I were weak, requiring the help of a man to defend a helpless damsel. I'm not helpless, and you know that. But you weren't trying to make me look weak, you were worried that I'd hurt myself more. Your chivalry prevents you from even making yourself comfortable if I"m not. No one has ever been that kind to me before. You are so much different from my sister.  
  
I giggle at the thought, though I didn't mean to. You look down at me with those confusion filled eyes, I can't help but laugh more. You look so cute, that look plastered upon your face. To watch you try and figure out just what I am thinking. It's plain by now that you are not telepathic, for if you were, then you'd not be scared of my fireballs, for if you could read my mind, you'd know that if you were only cocky, like you are when you fight, then I'd fall right then and there. I can't believe I'm THAT weak, ready to bend to your will just like that, only, hiding it behind one thing or another. Why do you think I came with you after we fought the Dark Lord? Although....that sword would help me a lot...maybe...  
  
"Are you ok?"  
  
Your sudden voice startles me, I find myself blindly looking up into your eyes. Now who's the idiot, you almost caught me thinking of you!  
  
"We should camp here I think. Sleeping under the stars seems nice tonight." I hope you'll say more, I love the sound of your voice.  
  
"But, don't you want to find an inn or something, to take a bath?"  
  
Again, I laugh. You're the only person alive who'd dare question me. Could it be bravery or just idiocy, whatever it is, I like it.  
  
"Na, it'd be nice to just to sit out, it's not to hot, not to cold. Just right I think, unless...you want to go to the next town?" I give you those eyes that can melt the hardest of hearts.  
  
I smile easily as I watch you crumble, "Uh, not really, I just thought..."  
  
"No need to think, you'd hurt yourself." I giggle again. *** Night has fallen and I lay underneath the cover of a tent, unable to sleep. The day has been long, fighting off bandits, searching for treasures, seeing what other kind of trouble we can get outselves into. After all is said and done, I sit here once again, thinking about you. What has come over me recently, it's like you've become an obsession! Your sight, your smell most of all. There's something in the air around you that's almost intoxicating, pheremones, who knows.  
  
I sigh, you're out there, keeping watch for anything that may come and harm me. Can't you see that I can take care of myself, you don't need chivalry around me? But alas, you still make yourself uncomfortable just to make sure I am. Well I won't stand for it! If you're uncomfortable, then I will be too! Unless of course, if it comes to food, then it's every man for himself. Anyway, I get up and wander outside, still dressed in my pajamas, at this point, I just don't care.  
  
Quietly, I come up behind you. You're looking up at the stars thinking again. That much thinking MUST be hurting your brain, I know it would mine, as a matter of fact, all this thinking does. The breeze blows and a catch another wiff of your sceent. It's filled with longing and sorrow, of something, familiar. Call me an animal, but it's something I've been able to do for a long time, but anyway, it calls me to you, so I obey. I silently sit next to you and breathe in the overwhelming escense of you, it sends me into a blissful longing to sleep. This is it, I lean over and rest my head on your arm, instantly succumbing to the sleep that was used to be so far out of reach. Before I'm completely gone, I hear your voice once more, so cutely confused.  
  
"Lina...?"  
  
I groan sleepily and make myself comfortable on your arm then fall the rest of the way into sleep. 


	2. Gourry

Musings of a Star-Crossed Mind  
  
**Disclaimer** don't own slayers or anything associated w/it, if I did, I wouldn't very well be writing fanfiction, but EPISODES of it ne?**  
  
~Gourry~  
  
Breathing in the scent of the wind, carrying with it the smell of flowers that I can't name right now. It smells lovely, especially as the day turns into dusk. It feels weird thinking like this, I've never had to, just taking it one step at a time, never worried about anything that didn't concern me. But you've turned something within that sense around, I now notice all that surrounds me, all the life within the earth that is. It's a gift you've given me, I can't say I don't like, but it still is strange. I know you're standing beside me, like you always are, such a small frame, looking like an average person, if not a little, uh, small...And yet, you are so strong, of heart, will, and pure courage, I've born witness to this many times.  
  
And yet, something inside tells me that, you've reserved that expression, everytime you are ready to, 'teach me a lesson', just for me. It may sound incredibly stupid to some, but I've grown attached to that expression, it's a part of you, I'd have it no other way. If that outburst didn't come, then you just wouldn't be you. L-sama, how I wish you'd see that that's why I say that then, I'm not THAT dumb! Everytime you're sad, it tears at my heart, I have to do SOMETHING to get you back to the way I once knew you. Believe me, when you are serious, you aren't yourself, and I can't stand you being someone else.  
  
The scent of the flowers mingles with that of all that is around us, it takes me over somewhat. Never have I been able to be like this before, but as I've said, you've given me this. Pehaps it's the fact that you harness the elements for your magic that has made me more aware that they do have a presence, a magic of their own. Either way, it's there, and it helps calm me down when I get too overstressed. Like now, with all this thinking, about you. Why do I go into such depth whenever I think about you? Probably because you're such a complex person, and yet, you stay so simple at the same time.  
  
Whenever you hurt, all I can do is think of your well-being. To see such a strong creature hurt, to see you in pain, I can't stand it. I just want you to be better. You're so confusing, refusing to be the proper woman. I try to live by my code of swordsmanship, but you make it impossible, making sure that if I am discomforted in anyway, then so are you. Women are so strange, something I'll never understand, always wanting something, but refusing it when it's offered to them without anyone else sharing it, even if they want it that way.  
  
You've just giggled at something, who knows what you are thinking about, I look down at you and you try to hide it but all you do is break into more giggles, more than likely at my expense. Something pings inside my heart, you're probably thinking of one of our periodic companions. More strangely than the ping is that I hurt at the prospect that you'd be thinking about one of them, probably hoping they'd come and take you away from me, since at times, you seem not to want to be around me. I can't stand that fact, I refuse to let them take you out of my arms length. I am your protector, destined to be at your side for as long as we live and I won't let anyone take you away from me. You're with me because you want the sword, although something in your eyes tells me that you are here for another reason, something else that keeps you here. But your eyes betray nothing more than a hopeful glint when you look at me. Am I misinterpreting? Is that a glint of something more than just a material want, but more of a spiritual one? Hesitentally, I ask you, "Are you ok?" wanting to make sure you're not going insane.  
  
A slight smile crosses my lips as I've found I've startled you. It's funny actually, I've caught the eith wonder of the world thinking deeply about something that she'd dare not speak of in public. Your eyes betray something great as you continue to look into mine. My heart leaps, I've just discovered something very important. I look you over without looking away as you still hold my eye gaze. Once there was a time when I thought you were just a scrawny little girl, no older than twelve. But now as I look upon you, I see, that infact, you are not as you would have seemed, you ARE grown, and quite beautiful as well. There are tell-tale signs of your growth and now, I can see them. Now, I am ashamed that I haven't seen this before in you. I wouldn't have continued to pick fun at your...less than mature...body. Sadness engulfs me as I think of how much I could have hurt you, who knows what's going through your mind, no matter how much you say you don't, I know you hurt inside, you have compassion, I've seen it, for me, for others, it's there.  
  
You don't see the sad expression as you have looked away, again at the great landscape before us.  
  
"We should camp here I think. Sleeping under the stars seems nice tonight." Your voice somewhat startles me at the serene sound of calm in it. I don't flinch, but feel amazed that in that voice, it holds the truth that you'd rather be here, outside, just content to sleep on the ground. Well, I won't have it, you'll at least have something to sleep on. "But, don't you want to find an inn or something, to take a bath?" Just to be sure.  
  
You laugh, probably at the absurd question when you know I've heard the finality in your voice.  
  
"Na, it'd be nice to just to sit out, it's not to hot, not to cold. Just right I think, unless...you want to go to the next town?"  
  
GAH, those eyes, I can't look! Those eyes tranquilize a convulsing earth, those eyes calm raging winds, those eyes, they pacify great storms. They strike fear in any man who sees them, for the mezmorize. They get any man to do what they want. You know how to use them better than any person I've ever known. Like myself, I stutter, something I've adopted since I discovered since I've watched you use those eyes. "Uh, not really, I just thought..." You know, you used those eyes when asking for my sword, the only thing that held me back was my desire for you never to leave me. Perhaps if you had, you'd leave, I couldn't let you leave.  
  
"No need to think, you'd hurt yourself." Cute, really cute.  
  
You giggle again, what is with you lately? Caught with the fit of giggles, something quite unlike yourself. *** Night fell qutie a while ago, you're sleeping soundly in the tent. It must be uncomfortable for you, that's all I can think of. That and, making sure no one comes to harm you. I sit out here, by the dwindling fire, just staring at it, still thinking. Few words have been said between us, but the understanding of many years of traveling together has given us the ability to just know. I smile, only you could I form this bond with.  
  
Suddenly, the breeze catches a sound, I hear something from the tent. I know you've left it, I know you're standing behind me, debating, thinking. You've been doing that just as much as me as of late. I make sure not to move, I want you to stand there, just as close as you are so I can catch a hint of your spicy perfumed scent. I've come to love that. My heart cries out to turn around and hold you, to caress all those thoughts away and make it just us. But, if I turned, you'd just stutter, then probably blast me cause I'd say something stupid. I can't help it, ever sincece I've met you, I've been capitivated by something about you. Anyway, I know you think I'm stupid, but, that's just me I suppose, letting things happen and not worrying about things until they happen, it's easier that way. At least, until now, I want... my heart wants... it's just so confusing, I don't want you to be anyone else's, that's why I get so upset when I believe you're thinking of someone else.  
  
And just like that, you're sitting next to me, leaning on my arm. It startles me when the air becomes that of your scent. It's intoxicating, not bad though, very good. I'm completely confused though, is this just one of your attempts to show you wanted to be treated the same as I treat myself. I know you don't think it's fair that I'm out here and you should be in there, but, I just can't help my morals. "Lina?"  
  
You groan sleepily. Was it hard to sleep in the tent? If so, then why come over and lean on me, not that I mind.... I like it very much actually... but, this is new for you. Perhaps we've both changed since our party left. Never-the-less, I will stop questioning fate and take this as a blessing, just to be near you.  
  
You're asleep now, and I can't help but put my arm around you, pulling you closer to me, to my heart. In your sleep, you mumble something and sink farther into me. A wide smile plays across my lips as I truly discover what you mean to me.  
  
Against my better judgement, I lean my head against yours and, ever so blissfully, sleep takes me, as I dream of you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ a/n: ok, so Ii know this is a little off, but i wanted to capture the real inner feelings that i thought were behind the shell. now, it's almost impossible for someone to truly interpret what a character really thinks, they're just toons, not really real [sadly *cries* why can't they be real???] and you don't know what exactly the creators had in mind for them. this is just my mind's eye on what i belive could be goin on. i hope you like it! i think you all know where this is goin, and where it's already gone.  
  
yup, there will be more, i'm not done w/my ideas! *grins evilly* as i've said, the rating to this fic may change in later chapters. but i can assure you, it won't be just sick, it'll be something born of the heart and soul. 


	3. Waking to a Lover's Embrace

Musings of a Star-Crossed Mind  
  
**Disclaimer** don't own slayers or anything associated w/it, if I did, I wouldn't very well be writing fanfiction, but EPISODES of it ne?**  
  
~Waking to a Lover's Embrace~  
  
"So you're sure about this?"  
  
"For the last time, yes, I'm quite sure!"  
  
Faintly, I can hear a stoic voice, raptly silencing a smaller, more energetic [yet worried] one. I know them, both voices, but my mind is clouded with morning. All I know, is that I'm warm, in my body and soul. Something was made clear last night, something that had hounded me for a long, long time. The fog in my mind right nw won't let me think of anything though, so I just give in and let myself fall agains this thing that holds me so close. It's warm and comfortable, that's all I care about right now. I try to go back to sleep but the morning sun won't allow, so I just make myself comfortable, if that's possible, as the fog of mind clears. Slowly, I begine to realize that the thing is human, but that's just fine, because it smells nice and it offers no harm to me. My heart tells me something like I shouldn't be afraid. Why I would be, I'm not sure, but why fight it? It's just too early.  
  
"But...what if she..."  
  
"Have you looked at them?"  
  
The low voice sounds scornful, but holds a compassion in it.  
  
"Oh-OH! How cute!"  
  
The soft voice, so cute. It's so excited but absolutely sure to keep quiet so as not to wake someone. She loves that person, I can hear it in her voice. So cute, wish that that happ-"  
  
"Lina?"  
  
Suddenly, I'm awake! He's sitting next to me, holding me. Is this why my heart told me not to be afraid? Well, whether it did or not, I am. I can feel myself burning red, he still has his arm aound me! What do I do???? Someone help me! Somehow, I can't bring myself to pull away or harm him, I'm just content to sit here, in his arms. It's peaceful, and I like it.  
  
"Lina, you're red, are you sick, coming down with a fever?"  
  
Laughing silently more to myself, I regard his worries, "No, no, I'm fine...."  
  
BIG MISTAKE! Gazing into his eyes, so blue, filled with concern, hope, love? I'm captivated, absolutely lost.  
  
"Cause you know... Well, I know how much you don't like it, but I can... carry... you, maybe?"  
  
Tears well in my eyes, he's so beautiful, so kind, so much more deserving of someone greater than me. How did I all of a sudden becoem so lucky? I know now that that look in his eyes IS love, for me. It may sound arrogant, but if only...  
  
He's getting more worried as he sees my tears, "I wouldn't mind that at all, actually, but yes, I'm quite fine."  
  
Instead of grief, he's elated, positively happy, because I'm ok. He's always worried about my health, it's so hard to find someone that actually takes into consideration all that he has. There isn't enough air in the universe to tell all the ways he's touched me.  
  
Suddenly, I realize I haven't returned the love I've so longed to show for him. He's offered himself to me without trepidaton, I have no rejection to worry about now. I've also discovered that this feeling, it's not weak, it's strong, it's carved me a new person, although, I won't change THAT much. But this love welling inside my heart comes out in tears as I embrace him, never daring to let go. ~*~ "Lina! Is everything ok?"  
  
"Yes," tears, she's crying, tears of joy? "Yes, everything is absolutely wonderful, thank you so much, you've given me a gift greater than anyone could have given."  
  
He was throughly confused, but never-the-less, returned the embrace gratefully, at the chance to be so close to her. Faintly, he heard her mutter something into his shoulder, but it was too quiet. so he pulled her upright so she was looking at him.  
  
Never had she felt so vulnerable, but this had to be done, now, if not sooner.  
  
"I didn't hear you." His eyes were so full of compassion, and love, that he couldn't have known how much all her walls were coming down, the crystal blue ocean of his eyes beat so hard against them that they finally fell. Along with the wall, words failed her, however, actions didn't. Reaching up, she carressed his cheek, she fire burning eyes now calmed down to a sparkling ember.  
  
He could read her eyes, he'd seen this only once, and only in a distant memory, but it was there, and he knew exactly what it was. The fear that had gripped him earlier had vanished, only to be replaced by joy so overwhelming he couldn't stop. Each caress of his cheek by her feather soft hands brought a shock of understanding to him, this was really happening, it was really there.  
  
Finding no sense in words whatsoever, they simply let their tears flow as they embraced eachother, each intent on never letting the other go. Alas, all good things must come to and end, if only to let much better things enter in. He pulled her away slowly, she allowing herself to be taken by him. Staring into eachother's eyes for but a minute, crimson met blue, complete opposites, yet so much alike, they both nodded in understanding of what the other wanted and needed, some sort of mutual confermation. And thus, their lips met in a passion that could only exist between the two of them. Feelings of longing for someone such as the other to come had finally came to rest. This is what they needed, and each was more than satisfied to give the other what they needed.  
  
"And so it is settled."  
  
The smaller voice was in tears, "It's so beautiful."  
  
He nodded in complete understanding. "FINALLY!"  
  
They both shared a quiet giggle and departed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ a/n: alas, i can't believe i wrote that! i love it so much! sorry for all those who don't like the pairing and who don't like the mush, but it's just an idea, don' read it if ya don't want to. and now, this is where i lose many of you possibly, for this is the end of the non-lemony part. well, like i said, it's not gonna be just some random sick thing, this WILL be born of love between the two and that's all i gota say. personally i believe that love is something shared between some people like them, not something wanted just to be satisfied. but, if you're anxious, the continuation/finish of this fanfic will be in the lemon section. ta for now then, feel free to leave q/c/c's in my reviews or email. 


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